dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
