Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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