The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
