he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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