i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
two words: eviction party
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
