I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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