So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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