Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
