her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
