If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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