i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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