I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
