Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize