the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
tell me about the eggs
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
