How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
