ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
