This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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