Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
