The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
