She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
