someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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