I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
did i walk over a car last night?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
