Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
