when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize