I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
