I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
