I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my sisters under your porch take her home
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
