Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
