I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
