Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
