So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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