I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
