i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
