How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
