2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
