what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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