You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
