I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
