remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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