So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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