theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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