we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
