to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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