what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
