it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize