i love accidental penises.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
