can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
