I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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