I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
