Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
