I can text with my tongue
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
