Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
