90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
