I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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