I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
