I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
