somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
