mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
