So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize