i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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