I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
