One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
At least life still wants to fuck me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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